Suzy Soldier

All week long our one room playhouse, built by our Dad when I was four, at the back of our long grassy yard was our home where we made our mud pies and filled the yellow plastic bowls with stolen peas and carrots from Mom’s garden. We’d also collect overflowing pink cups of shiny brown chestnuts from the huge tree across the fence whose branches were impossibly high to climb. //

But on Saturday afternoons, our playhouse became a bomb shelter. We’d follow Dad, crawling along on our bellies, arm over arm across the grass to its four wooden walls and roof. We’d secure the perimeter and then enter, looking out the three windows for enemies. Then we’d lob rock grenades into the field while Mom shook her head from the porch, watching her girls play “Marine” instead of “Suzy homemaker.” //

I loved making the creek explode. I’d throw my rock grenade, arm stretched out behind me, then fling my arm up and over my head, releasing my grip on the grenade right above my head. It was very different from pitching a baseball. Then I’d watch the water explode in clear blue splashes onto the fading green grasses that lived on its bank. //

I’d watch the enemy peek around the tall deep green hedges of her property, not sure if it was safe to cross the meadow and play at our house. My little sister and I would yell at her: “Don’t go through the field! There are booby traps!” //

So she’d go around the front of her house, down the alley, through the little gate with the white paint flecking off and come into our yard along the narrow path in between the garden. My Dad would shake his head and retreat into the house. Then Stacey, Susie and I would return to arguing over who got to sweep the floor, who had made the prettiest mud pie and how best to store the chestnuts in the cupboards.

dumbing it down

BBQing steaks in the desert evening is great. They take a lot of thought and effort though. Someone has to make the harrowing drive through the the streets of Baghdad to the PX. Then they have to be properly stored until a convoy is coming up to site. Once here, we can store them in the freezer; that's about the simplest part of the whole operation. As long as there's no long term power outage. Marinating them overnight means great taste when the charcoal (consisting of real burned twigs as charcoal; none of this bricket stuff) grill gets fired up. The grill is made out of a cleaned out and halved oil drum. I don't know if it used to contain oil. Our food does not have any oily flavour if it did. Making the veggies in a stove heated with propane is not great. By the time the veggies were finally ready, only a handful of people were still around the BBQ pit. Some were playing pool by this time and when I commented that the "8 ball was precariously close to the edge" I was reminded how much of a square peg I am trying to fit into a circle hole. My comment was met by silence, then "huh?" and laughter. The two soldiers reminded me that they were soldiers and language, in particular big words like precarious, had to be "dumbed down" a bit for them. I overheard one of the guys telling the story the next day to another guy who wasn't there. He was laughing in a good way; I think it's one of those stories that will get told over and over again. However, to me, it's just another reminder of how different I am.

Wisdom

I did not make up this story but heard it somewhere along my journey of life. I have made it my own, as every storyteller does, so if you have heard it somewhere else, it may not be exactly as you heard it from another storyteller. I wanted to share its wisdom with you. // An old woman sat at the crossroads of a long tree lined dirt road and a narrow dirt road that led to a walled city. Many travelers passed along this route and she enjoyed speaking to them. One young person paused and looked up at the city. "Will I find friendly people in that city?" the traveler asked. The old woman thought for a moment and then smiled. "Yes, you will find friendly people in this city." The traveler smiled, wished her a happy day and began walking toward the city. A little while later, another traveler came along this route. Looking at the city with a frown, the traveler asked: "Will I find mean people in that city?" The old woman paused, thinking. "Yes, you will find nasty people in that city." The traveler nodded with a snort of disgust, but began walking to the city. A little while later, a third traveler passed by the old lady. "What sort of people will I find in the city?" asked the weary traveler. The old lady did not have to think before answering this question. "What type of people are you looking for?"

sandstorm worries

This morning the wind was the type of wind that brings in a sandstorm. Over the radio one of the security guards announced that we should look west to see the sand clouds. I was like NOOOOOOOOOOOO! But the wind is blowing west so maybe it is blowing the sand away from us??? If only we were so lucky. // The roads are all closed again due to the Holy Shiia pilgrimage to Karbala. They need to walk from their home (which could be anywhere in Iraq) to Karbala. They don't have to return home by walking but can catch a ride back. Under Saddam, he did not allow this pilgrimage. If they tried to walk there, they'd be shot. So they like to do that now. But, terrorists would like to disrupt the pilgrimage so the government closed the roads so at least there can't be car bombs. We'll see how it all goes. Hopefully it will all be alright. // I have learned that although the news makes it seem like Shiias and Sunnis have such big religious differences, the Iraqis say it doesn't matter to them. I know a guy who is Shiia and his brother is Sunni. He says it doesn't matter. There are other stories where the sister marries a Shiia or Sunni where the family is the other and it doesn't matter to them. We also know of a story in which the mother was a Catholic and that was fine! So, I think the news is just trying to make headlines and actually stirring up dissent among the masses. // Marx said "religion is the opiate of the masses" but I'm not sure which religion he was talking about.

March 15, 2006

Happy Birthday to me! Iraq sucks royally! lol. I had an okay birthday actually. One of my co-workers got the guys at the dfac (chow hall) to make me my very own birthday cake with birthday wishes written in icing! They even gave us plates, spoons and napkins. Quite nice. I couldn't believe Ernie would do that for me so that really rocked. The guys also tried to plan a bbq for my bday that coincided with someone's leave party, but they thought my bday was the 16th so it was a day late. That actually was fine cuz by the 16th I was sick so didn't even make it out to the bbq. Just a few people from home remembered my bday this year so I know I'm getting older and less remembered! I've been gone too long! The cool thing was that I walked into the office in the morning, sat down at my computer and the phone rang. Birthday wishes from my parents. That was cool. And Val is with me for my bday, so, it's all good.

Happy Advice

Every day you must do one thing that pleases you.

If you do this, you will be so much happier with life. Life will no longer be such a drudgery of days that go on and on unending. Your day will be happier because you have taken the time to do one thing that brings you pleasure. This is not a selfish thing, but one of survival. And remember what Darwin said about that topic: the fittest survive. Mental or physical exhaustion is not being "fit." Feed your soul. Do not lose another day.

After the sand storm

If some people didn't have the weather, they'd have nothing to talk about. Yesterday and today we woke up to blue skies. Although they're a very pale blue compared to back home. That is because there is still fine dust in the air/atmosphere, etc. We can see across the whole base, but can't see beyond that.

The day after the sandstorm, the world looked pale. The few colours we have in our garden were all muted - the grass and trees were a pale green, as if someone had been draining the colour out of them. All the brown buildings looked paler too. Surprisingly, with all the sand that flew over, around, in our base, the work sites looked the same. Surprise surprise. Nothing was buried in sand like the sphynx.

I have developed a dry cough due to the inhaled dust. A lot of us have sore throats now. Our boogers have turned back to normal colour from dark brown. I'm serious, when I return home I really should go get a chest x-ray to see if my lungs are clogged up with dust and pollution.

The day of the sand storm was hot and that stuffy, claustrophobic feeling. But the next day when the clouds lifted, the temperature dropped and it was suddenly cold again. Sweater time. Last night and today we even used our heaters! When I woke up it was 15C and for us, that's cold. Hey, in the summer we're used to 35C when we wake up and on average days in the high 50sC! Which is much too hot.

And now, CLEAN UP, take 1

The sand storm is over, for now. The wind ended around 5pm but the dust swirled around and finally settled on anything below it much later. The clouds tried to rain, but they did more harm than good as now every buiding and car, instead of being covered in sand, now has blotchy mud streaks on it. It's really ugly. Even the leaves of the plants in our garden are dirty as the drops of rain only turned the sand to mud and now it clings to where it dried. I was praying for a torrential downpour when I first heard the drops of rain start so that it would help us clean up. But, it didn't happen. Usually doesn't after a sandstorm. // The picture on the left is of one desk and the accumulation of sand from while we slept. So this is sand on the desk at the START of the day and it stormed all day long! There is a small white bit on the right where Val blew the dust to show the difference of dust, no dust. Kinda disgusting. The picture on the right was taken after lunch, so the desks were used in the morning; you can see the print of where a laptop was in the forefront. Lovely times. // Last night we only cleaned what was necessary because we didn't know if the storm would start up again and there's no point in doing things twice, in my opinion. But, although it got windy sometime in the night and woke me up (I'm still a light sleeper), it didn't start blowing sand again. I knew this because the window was open and I didn't smell dust/sand so knew I didn't have to get up to shut it and worry about too much sand layering the place again. I can totally understand how the Sphinx in Egypt got buried and stayed covered for centuries!!! // So, today we begin cleaning off the newly accumulated layer of brown filthy sand from everything. And of course, cleaning the computer equipment. In one year, we have had 4 service calls for our photocopier due to the dust accumulation inside. Not the best place for computer equipment. At least this sandstorm only lasted 1 day, but it was the worst one I've seen in 13 mos over here. The wind has stopped blowing, but we are still cut off from the world due to the dust in the air. Visibility is now about 1km, but that's a rough estimate. It is a dirty bright grey today that is clouding us in. What we need is a good torrential downpour. You can still smell the dust in the air, but not as bad as yesterday. The wind picks up and drops off but it's nothing like yesterday. // I now have a new understanding of that quote: "For dust you are and unto dust you shall return."

Brown-out

Here is a picture of one section of the camp during a light period of the sandstorm. [Note well that this is the ONLY place on base and in a 16km radius that you will see any green and plant life.] The sandstorm alternates between periods of white and periods of brown, the brown being worse since there is so much more sand in the air. It is harder to breathe during a brown period, but still hard to breathe during a white period as the dust is finer during the latter period. Remember that a sand storm is accompanied by strong winds.



Here is a picture of me wearing a headscarf to try to help myself breathe and to protect my hair (as it gets icky-dusty during these storms). As you can see it is very windy and the scarf is unraveling as soon as I entered the open air and you can see how close I am to my trailer so I haven't been out long. This is the natural colour of the sand in the air - no photoshop or special filters were used on the camera.

Sandstorm!

Last evening had clear skies, there was not a cloud in the sky. The ceiling was a deep shade of black and the stars twinkled brightly. The moon was the brightest light in the sky, reflecting the sun in all its glory, with a ring of light around it. // Shortly after midnight, the wind started. It was an intense wind that rattled the trailer rafters. It woke me up four times! Then around 7.30am, I smelled it. The sand. It is so fine it finds its way into your room through any possible hole. It even comes through the a/c filters. You can hear sand hitting the trailer. // Val took me for a drive out in it. Visibility is low; 10 feet in some places, 50m in other places, but only if you have a landmark to see. At other times, you knew a building should be there, but you just couldn't see it. // The world is a bright brownish-orange right now. There were some pockets of dirty white, but that just meant that there was no sand in that pocket. You could see the sand actually blowing through the air. Imagine driving in the worst rain storm imaginable where the rain is coming down in sheets. The wind is slanting the rain sideways and if you stop your car you can feel it rocking (through no help of your own). Now, picture sheets of brownish-orange dust hitting your car instead. // You must then think about the suffocating feeling of being in a cloud of dust. Think of the thickest fog that you have ever been in. Your visibility is pretty much zero. With fog though, it's cold and damp. You can breathe. In a sandstorm, it's warm, but hard to breathe. // Inside the office, visibility is bad. There is a thick cloud of thin white dust hanging in the air. Outside I can see orange and low visibility, but inside it's as if you're wearing really dirty glasses. It's obviously easier to breathe than outside; we've all got our bandanas around our neck or in our pocket for when we have to make that venture. If we don't have bandanas, then we pull our tshirt up over our nose. Some of the guys are wearing their military issue sunglasses that cup the eyes to prevent dust from getting in. It is bad out there. // When I came in the office, I noticed that everything has a thick layer of sand over it. My laptop and mouse feel grainy, even after trying to wipe off the sand. There's no point in even trying to clean anything right now as who knows how long this sand storm will last. This is going to be a bad clean-up. // It makes me wonder about that video that was shot somewhere in Iraq and was sent around via email in which a wall of sand hits the base. I wonder if that's what happened around 7am this morning, after hours of wind? I saw a puddle on base and it was just mud as there was so much sand flying over it.// I'd take pictures to show you but you wouldn't see anything so there's no point. Wish us luck!

It's all about attitude

That's what I'm learning: that life is about attitude. Success in life is about attitude.

There is a sign as you walk into the chow hall that says: "The battle is for your mind. Don't get complacent."

It's so easy to lose hope and to give in. But this is not for us!

Journaling helps to get the emotions out. So does sharing with a trusted friend.

Ancient wisdom is revealed to us in Ecclesiastes when the writer talks about there being a time for everything: a time to mourn, to cry, to laugh, to be joyful,etc.

A group in the '60s turned that wisdom into a catchy song. And it's true. There is a time for everything. We won't always feel elated, depressed and everything in between.

But it's hard to be patient while you're waiting for what you think you really want and hate living without.

Keeping a gratitude list can help, even tho you may feel like a dork doing it. But again, it's all about attitude. Looking for the positive things in your life can turn your negative outlook around.

In the last 2 days, I have been looking into a dream of mine: how to turn it into a reality. This has changed my outlook because I am not merely wishing for it to happen, I am taking the first steps to making it a reality.

It feels real good (and exciting!) to be doing this - taking steps towards making my dream real. I challenge you to do the same.

The revolution in my soul is changing me. I am no longer keeping my dreams in my head and private to the world. I am taking (some cautious and some bold) steps in making them real.

If you are undergoing a revolution in your soul too, it will cause you to change. Change is good!

Isn't it time to be the person you dreamed of being? I think so. Good luck!

Our life is but a breath

"What is life but a breath, a fleeting moment in time." My boss died yesterday. He died of a heart attack on his way out on R&R. This is a guy that survived an IED in the morning and then an accident that afternoon, in which his vehicle flipped over, in the same spot on the way back to Baghdad in 2004. He survived a SAF attack in 2006. He got stuck once in Amman on his return for a few days because of a dust storm in Baghdad. This vacation was delayed by almost 2 weeks because of all the road closures and acts of terrorism causing civil unrest in country. I mean, technically, his vacation should be almost over. Instead, he never got his vacation cuz he died the first night. He made it through all that crazy shit and then he dies of a heart attack. He was only 46. Sort of makes you wonder if all those things were signs and if he should have run back home earlier. Should we all run back home? But then, home has its dangers too. I mean, one girl I didn't know, but that worked on base, was home on R&R and died in a car crash.

So the mood here is pretty sombre. Some of the Iraqis cried last night in the meeting and this morning one of them had real puffy, red eyes. It was pretty surreal last night. We had to go through his stuff looking for anything we could find on his girlfriend and/or any leave information to find her. We even had to search her name and hotel names over the internet. Thank goodness we have internet. His poor girlfriend was waiting in a hotel room in London for him to arrive but he never did.

When we locked up his room last night we forgot to turn off the porch light (there's no porch, just a light). It was sort of eerie to see that light cutting into the blackness; almost like he was still there, but wasn't. Our trailer is right across from his so the light shone in as we were trying to fall asleep. Every time I woke up during the night, I immediately thought of him. I guess we're all in shock. I don't like being in the office now, but then if I go to my trailer I have to walk by his so there are reminders everywhere; it's not like you can get away.

I am not looking forward to packing up his belongings.

Jarheads

Just watched the movie Jarheads last night. We had the burned Hajji copy since end of Nov. but never felt like watching it since we live in the desert. Our evenings are sort of a time to escape the reality. But yesterday we were in the mood to watch it. I highly recommend it (and maybe you'll get a good copy that isn't blurry and doesn't have the audience's reactions - lol). Yes, the bleak, barren scenery that is in the movie is real. Yes, the feelings of meaninglessness, and "why are we here" are real. Yes, the misunderstanding of those back home is real. Yes, guys are getting dumped and cheated on while they are over here. And the last 3 lines are meaningful: "When your hands are trained to the trigger, it doesn't matter what you do with your hands after that... love a woman, change your babies diapers, you will always carry that with you." Any one going thru any traumatic experience carries that trauma with them for the rest of their life. They may learn to forgive, to block it, or to drown it, but it will remain etched in their mind. I end my thought on this movie with this quote my Eleanor Roosevelt: "You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I have lived thru this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.' You must do the thing you think you cannot do."

What CNN doesn't tell you

CNN did not tell the whole story yesterday (as usual). But what can you expect from a bunch of journalists hiding in their hotel and relying on locals to gather their info. Roads were not closed just in Baghdad, but country-wide. This meant that yesterday was a very quiet day. We had one day labourer and that's only because he doens't travel an official road to come to the base. Many of our workers were therefore stuck at home, but I won't hear any complaints from them as it was another day off. That just means our schedule continues to slip....

I'm very curious to find out if the one of the brick factories that got hit was the one closest to us. I'll post any info I discover.